I read this great article on detaching from an alcoholic. Here is the link for anyone who is interested:
http://searchwarp.com/swa219848.htm
It talked about how to deal with an alcoholic spouse without enabling them, focusing on your mental health. "Get off the pity pot" is one area of focus. I think I am guilty of that. I find myself drowning in the sorrow and frustration. It really doesn't get me anywhere. I know this is a weakness of mine - detachment, that is. When that 5:00 hour comes it's all I can do to push back the anxiety. And I absolutely hate how I get sad and scared when he is in a bad mood. It's like my emotional state is dependent on his, and this is so wrong and unhealthy. I seriously need to work on this. I'm not sure I can work on this alone. I haven't been successful so far, so I think I need to start seeing a counselor. I really don't vent to anyone, which is why I started this blog, but I need to work with someone outside of this craziness, to help me in my goal of emotional independence from an alcoholic. I am making a promise right now - to contact a counselor and take the first step by Friday...
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The worst part of my day is when it's time for DH (Darling Husband) to come home. I feel the anxiety rising as 5:00 approaches. I wonder if he will be making that stop at the liquor store on the way to pick up the little bottles of JD to suck down in the car before he gets home. When he comes home and hugs me hello I instinctly inhale deeply to detect the faint odor of alcohol or the cinnamon gum he sometimes chews in an effort to hide the slip. The sight of cough drops (which he sometimes uses to mask the alcoholic breath at work) makes me sick with worry. I know this level of stress for this long isn't good for anyone, but at this time of my life, I have little choice but to find ways to deal with it the best I can.
I have a chronic illness that is preventing me from working fulltime for awhile. It's so frustrating because feel like I have lost my independence by not being able to leave should I decide to. For years I was the primary supporter while my DH spent his days and nights in a drunken stupor. Back then I worked tons of overtime trying to make ends meet. I thought about leaving then but I couldn't bring myself to go when I knew he would end up on the streets or dead. And I thought about my marriage vows - in sickness and in health - and how too many people walk away when times gets rough. I stuck it out and continued on this way until I became sick and ended up in the hospital. It was all so ironic - my husband was the alcoholic and I, the non-drinker, ended up with kidney and liver problems. I ended up having to quit my job and began filling out applications for my DH to find work. His job hunting efforts consisted to going out for hours and coming back drunk. Sometimes working at a place for a day before deciding it wasn't for him, or making outright lies about how he went on nonexistant interviews. After many applications I managed to find him a job he could live with. But that seemed to be because there was a liquor store around the corner he could sneak off to at lunchtime. By this time he had cut down the drinking to a couple times a week. But seeing as the mood swings go from ultra sweet to violent outbursts at the drop of a hat, it wasn't hard to see that the problem was still there and he needed outside help. Of course AA has never been a real option for us. The one time I got him to a meeting, he showed up drunk. He now has a better job and the drinking is an occasional thing - My guess is maybe 2-4 times a month? Because of the outbursts and mood swings, when I suspect it I ususally gently encourage him to go to hisroomt owatch a game, give him his dinner in there and try to keep him calm and quiet so that the kids aren't affected by it. He's somewhat controllable when he slips with one or 2 drinks but if he's had more it can get pretty bad. It's been about 8 months since I've had to deal with that depth. Anyway, I've kind of glossed over a history here but since this a blog, I'm just going to say whatever comes to mind. I'm not looking for pity or anything like that. I know what I am dealing with and what I need to do ultimately (get myself better so I can become self sufficient again). I just need to vent. I have a few friends that I keep in touch with via email, but no one knows really what I have been dealing with because I keep people at an arms length now. I don't want to burden my friends with my problems and I feel like I don't have much to say that is normal and happy to share with them so I communicate thru emails and haven't seen any of them in over a year either in person through the phone. There is so much - so much - to deal with...
My daughter was diagnosed with cancer last year. I was at the hospital getting her checked in and I got a call from my son, telling me he thought DH was drunk. The last thing I needed to deal with...I was in shock after hearing their diagnosis, trying to digest what this all meant, and I had to get her checked in, run home to make sure my son was safe and DH was not going to go into one of his rages. Luckily for me DH was already passed out the time I got home. I hated him so much. How dare he do do this when I needed to be focused on my daughter? How dare he not be the man I needed him to be? How dare he let down my son when he was just as worried as I was? I don't think I have forgiven him for that yet. We never talk about the past and the things he did to us because he says it's the past and the past is over. Maybe that is why I still feel like I am festering - I've never been able to confront him, receive an apology, or an acknowledgement.
Well, enough for tonight - good night, all. Thanks for listening...
I have a chronic illness that is preventing me from working fulltime for awhile. It's so frustrating because feel like I have lost my independence by not being able to leave should I decide to. For years I was the primary supporter while my DH spent his days and nights in a drunken stupor. Back then I worked tons of overtime trying to make ends meet. I thought about leaving then but I couldn't bring myself to go when I knew he would end up on the streets or dead. And I thought about my marriage vows - in sickness and in health - and how too many people walk away when times gets rough. I stuck it out and continued on this way until I became sick and ended up in the hospital. It was all so ironic - my husband was the alcoholic and I, the non-drinker, ended up with kidney and liver problems. I ended up having to quit my job and began filling out applications for my DH to find work. His job hunting efforts consisted to going out for hours and coming back drunk. Sometimes working at a place for a day before deciding it wasn't for him, or making outright lies about how he went on nonexistant interviews. After many applications I managed to find him a job he could live with. But that seemed to be because there was a liquor store around the corner he could sneak off to at lunchtime. By this time he had cut down the drinking to a couple times a week. But seeing as the mood swings go from ultra sweet to violent outbursts at the drop of a hat, it wasn't hard to see that the problem was still there and he needed outside help. Of course AA has never been a real option for us. The one time I got him to a meeting, he showed up drunk. He now has a better job and the drinking is an occasional thing - My guess is maybe 2-4 times a month? Because of the outbursts and mood swings, when I suspect it I ususally gently encourage him to go to hisroomt owatch a game, give him his dinner in there and try to keep him calm and quiet so that the kids aren't affected by it. He's somewhat controllable when he slips with one or 2 drinks but if he's had more it can get pretty bad. It's been about 8 months since I've had to deal with that depth. Anyway, I've kind of glossed over a history here but since this a blog, I'm just going to say whatever comes to mind. I'm not looking for pity or anything like that. I know what I am dealing with and what I need to do ultimately (get myself better so I can become self sufficient again). I just need to vent. I have a few friends that I keep in touch with via email, but no one knows really what I have been dealing with because I keep people at an arms length now. I don't want to burden my friends with my problems and I feel like I don't have much to say that is normal and happy to share with them so I communicate thru emails and haven't seen any of them in over a year either in person through the phone. There is so much - so much - to deal with...
My daughter was diagnosed with cancer last year. I was at the hospital getting her checked in and I got a call from my son, telling me he thought DH was drunk. The last thing I needed to deal with...I was in shock after hearing their diagnosis, trying to digest what this all meant, and I had to get her checked in, run home to make sure my son was safe and DH was not going to go into one of his rages. Luckily for me DH was already passed out the time I got home. I hated him so much. How dare he do do this when I needed to be focused on my daughter? How dare he not be the man I needed him to be? How dare he let down my son when he was just as worried as I was? I don't think I have forgiven him for that yet. We never talk about the past and the things he did to us because he says it's the past and the past is over. Maybe that is why I still feel like I am festering - I've never been able to confront him, receive an apology, or an acknowledgement.
Well, enough for tonight - good night, all. Thanks for listening...
New to this, so please bear with me...
Hi - My name is Marli and I'm married to an alcoholic. Actually, he is in one of his recovery phases at the moment. I say this because recently my husband "slipped" and had a drink. He doesn't admit to this of course, but I have been dealing with this long enough to know the signs and to detect the ever so faint odor of alcohol that permeates from his pores when he does slip. As far as I can figure, he has had 2, maybe 3 of those in the past month. It is far cry from 6 years ago when he drank from morning until night, but I refuse to think of any slip, however small, as acceptable.
I have been through so much because of my husband's drinking. I'm sure the stories I may disclose sound much like yours. I often feel so isolated and alone - even though I know I am not - so I am reaching out to anyone who is interested in "listening" to me and sharing their stories with me. I have a lot in me that I have never shared with anyone all these years, so please bear with me if I get a bit emotional at times. It's been rough and I have a lot to release here. My hope is that by venting here, and getting in touch with others, I can start to heal myself. It's late, so I will stop here tonight. I welcome your comments and wish you well...
I have been through so much because of my husband's drinking. I'm sure the stories I may disclose sound much like yours. I often feel so isolated and alone - even though I know I am not - so I am reaching out to anyone who is interested in "listening" to me and sharing their stories with me. I have a lot in me that I have never shared with anyone all these years, so please bear with me if I get a bit emotional at times. It's been rough and I have a lot to release here. My hope is that by venting here, and getting in touch with others, I can start to heal myself. It's late, so I will stop here tonight. I welcome your comments and wish you well...
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